Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
there is glitter all over my balls
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
