I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
