my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
