I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
