the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Randomize
