I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Randomize
