Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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