I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Randomize
