I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
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