The maid of honor just puked.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Randomize
