I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
