Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
