Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
You left your phone here
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