I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
