I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I am never drinking with the goths again.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
