How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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