theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
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