I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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