someone owes me an orgasm
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Randomize
