i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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