why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
