I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
