The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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