somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
