He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Randomize
