you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Randomize
