He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
