why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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