You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
