he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
