I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
