the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Randomize
