If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
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