Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
