I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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