happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
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