guys are not supposed to queef...right?
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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