Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
