before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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