I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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