dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.â€
Randomize
