Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Can I color on your dick again?
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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