Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
