Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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