And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
