I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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