So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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