if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
