Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
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