if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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