it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Drunk is a universal language darling
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
