oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
