i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize
