You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
