Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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