probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
