It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
