Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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