I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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